I believe that angels are real, and walk among us. Taking into account that I’ve had schizophrenia for nineteen years, you may wonder what I mean.
Even before I had a psychotic break at age eighteen, I felt I had a special relationship with God. I felt that the academic ability God had given me entailed a responsibility to accomplish significant things for humanity. Literally, I wanted to reach for the stars: my life’s dream was to build an engine that could carry humankind to other solar systems, as a step in the quest to someday understand the nature of God. In some ways, I feel I was off base then, now preferring to leave spiritual mysteries to unravel themselves as they will. But, one such mystery continues to unfold in my life.
Ron Howard gives direction for my scene in the BringChange2Mind PSA
When I was eighteen, during my first summer off from college, worst came to worst, and I had a psychotic break. That was when I started hearing the voices. I got out of the hospital after a few days, and resumed searching for summer employment. I realized that I was at a bit of a disadvantage then, but still felt frustrated and disappointed when I hadn’t found a job three weeks later. The comment “stupid kid” kept echoing in my head, along with “Baby Brandon.” I would cringe each time, because I just knew the voices must be right on a deep level. I got accustomed to listening to them to learn more about myself.
So, soon, my sense of self was spinning like a demagnetized compass. I felt that I had let not only myself but God down, now that I was so sick. I began to suspect that God and His angels were very disappointed in me. I constantly checked my soul’s status by listening within myself to how angels and demons judged my conduct, moment-to-moment. If I felt the angels approved of what I had just done, I could relax. But if a devil was jumping for joy, boy, I’d better watch out!
During that dark, desolate time, there was a beautiful influence in my life. Even though I was too sick to fully appreciate them then, my family loved me, regardless of what I thought of myself. They were there to listen and talk, even at two AM, there to be sure I took the meds I hated, there to help me find ways to engage with the world. My Mom and Dad are the best, most caring parents a guy with schizophrenia could wish for, and they helped me to pull through.
When I first chose to speak publicly about my condition, they supported my decision.
Flash forward to this August.
Now, the nonprofit my parents started to speed the search for a cure for schizophrenia and other major mental illnesses is almost fifteen years old. Our group, called International Mental Health Research Organization (IMHRO) is one among many. Mental health advocacy groups are popping up on my radar left and right.
One such organization is brand-new. Bring Change 2 Mind, and its campaign to fight the stigma involved in mental illness, are spearheaded by actress Glenn Close with startup fundraising support from IMHRO and several like-minded advocacy groups. Bring Change 2 Mind launched its campaign with a daring televised public service announcement in October. I am thrilled to have been involved in the filming. What an exhilarating, soul-nurturing day.
About a dozen brave people with major mental illness were there on the set at Grand Central Station, along with their families. Each of us wore a white T-shirt identifying our condition, or relationship to someone with a condition. Ed Leardo wore “post-traumatic stress disorder.” A quiet, bright-eyed Marine, he came back from war with the condition and now counsels other afflicted Marines. His T-shirted “battle buddy,” Laurie Sutton, is a strong, kind psychiatrist and Brigadier General. The two walked together on camera. Artists Anthony Holbrooke (“bipolar disorder”) and Agathe Snow (“depression”) also walked together, each wearing a shirt that also told that each was the other’s “better half.” Seeing them, arms around each other, always close, warmed my heart. Karen Callaghan (“Mom” on the front, “depression” on the back) and Tricia Martino (“depression” on front, “daughter” on back) were neverending wellsprings of quiet joy that day. Glenn Close and her sister Jessie (“bipolar disorder”), nephew Calen (“schizophrenia”), daughter Annie and niece Mattie all appeared courageously on camera, Jessie and Glenn speaking the climactic lines. I am so, so proud of them. I’m proud of my Mom and Dad, too, for appearing, with me, on camera. And, I admit, I feel proud to have been there with them.
Many of us were publicizing our conditions for the first time. We did it to let people see who we really were, and maybe inspire others to follow suit.
And, the production team also put a lot on the line, many of them working pro bono. Ron Howard donated his time to direct, and as the guiding authority on the shoot, fulfilled his role with calming (and funny) expertise. (“I should have a T-shirt that says “director,” because everyone knows I have serious mental issues!”) Chris, the incredibly compassionate young man who interviewed the principals, also donated his time. Laura, a directing assistant, summed up the team’s feelings when she said “It’s so wonderful to work on something like this, a good cause.”
The next day, my family and I flew home. As I gazed out the window I reminisced about all the wonderful people I had met and their amazing mental health campaigns, and realized something very cool… I still believe in angels. I had actually shared the weekend with many of them.
Angels are just people like you and me, people who are agents of good in the world. Anyone you pass is probably an angel in some way.
Please, watch the PSA, then visit http://www.bringchange2mind.org.
Since I was a child I have lived under the mistaken impression that I can bootstrap my way out of feeling bad by rethinking situations. A few years ago this belief was the basis for a creative writing class memoir I wrote called “Lizard Finds his Feet.” It was a supposed coming of age story about me failing to develop the leadership ability I wanted while a student on an Outward Bound wilderness course, feeling confused and frustrated, and thinking about it until I was satisfied that I could lead by following! When my classmates read it and commented that they pitied my character in the story, it devastated me. I realized that my misplaced faith in my analytical abilities as the answer to all my problems had kept my head in the sand throughout much of my life.
